Spend the entire night turning on my bed with a huge stomachache. Why? I EAT TOO MUCH, that’s why… I know it, everyone knows it. I just love eating and cooking. That’s moi. Now, moi just got a year older – meaning for me a decade – so little moi will have to start taking care of herself. By not overeating, overcooking and not overdoing anything in that line of thought… Little moi will have to grow and become the slim fit one she used to be. Should not be too hard. As NIKE says: JUST DO IT.
I just came across this blog and loved her sense of humor and great advice. Have fun reading it.
The Definitive Guide to Healthy Eating
Monday 01.26.15
As you may know, or remember from this, I have Crohn’s disease which I have been managing with diet and lifestyle since my diagnosis in February 2011. This past year I started dealing with some other health issues (more on this tomorrow). So for the past year I dived deep down the internet rabbit hole to find answers, I researched the vast variety of diets and health recommendations relentlessly to figure out what is TRULY the best way to eat. I read and researched and read some more. Here’s what I’ve learned: {so much more after the jump!}
Sugar is the devil’s spawn and is more addictive than heroin and you probably don’t even know that it’s COMPLETELY CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE AND RUINING YOUR CHANCES OF EVER BEING HEALTHY OR HAPPY OR BEING LOVED BY ANYONE. EVER. If you eat sugar you may end up in a mental institution.
The stress of NOT eating sugar is worse for you than actually eating sugar, and you will forever be a pariah at social gatherings if you are so rigid in your diet that you can’t enjoy an occasional piece of cake. Your friends will turn on you and replace you with a friend who bakes or at the very least eats sugar 20% of the time.
Your gut is the most important part of your body and a delicate flora that is IMPOSSIBLE to keep in balance but it is your entire life’s work to do so. If you fail you will die.
Gluten is the devil. The actual devil. Unless you test negative for gluten sensitivity in which case it’s perfectly healthy and should be enjoyed as part of a balanced diet and eaten on the reg.
If you test negative for gluten sensitivity IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GLUTEN IS NOT DESTROYING YOUR GUT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, IT’S MOST LIKELY CAUSING IRREPARABLE DAMAGE THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU.
Grains are the true devil and should be avoided at all costs, they will cause your gut to leak, destroy your relationships and they will make you fat and quite probably cause diabetes. Unless you soak them overnight before cooking in which case they are slightly less toxic.
Grains are the best and only way to receive enough carbohydrates for your body to function properly, one should make whole grains a regular part of one’s diet without fail. Without them you will become a shadow of yourself and die.
Fruit is a product of Satan, it causes your blood sugar to spike and is basically like eating a bag of refined sugar. It’s also as addictive as crack. If you eat fruit you are a crackhead.
Fruit is filled with fiber, antioxidants and is a critical part of a healthy, balanced diet. Without the proper amounts of fruits and vegetables one will face a lifetime of illness, pain and suffering and eventually die alone without even a cat for company.
Vegetables are the perfect food. Unless they’re not organic + non-GMO, or are nightshades, or are eaten at the same time as a protein or fruit or grains. Or are heavy in carbohydrates or sugar. In any of the aforementioned cases they will cause your gut to leak and subsequently ruin your life and kill you dead.
Meat is a CRITICAL part of a healthy diet- without protein you will fall over and die and leading up to that your hair and nails will always be brittle and cause you great disappointment. You will also be pale and weak and look like a strong gust of wind could blow you cross country. If you question this look to our cavemen ancestors for proof.
Meat will spend months being digested in your gut instigating all kinds of issues and is the leading cause of cancer and if you do not eat a vegan diet you will not only be responsible for the torture of every animal on the planet but you will also die a slow painful death for your gross negligence. If you eat meat you are making the biggest mistake of your life.
Fish is the perfect source of protein and one that should absolutely be consumed- BUT NO MORE THAN TWO TIMES A WEEK. The Omega 3′s found in fish are CRITICAL for your brain- without them you will lose your ability to think.
Fish is loaded with mercury which is basically poison, the over-consumption of fish is destroying the oceans, the planet is about to die because of our freakish obsession with eating sea animals, the entire ecosystem will be catastrophically ruined and then we’ll all be sorry (and dead as well).
You should only eat raw foods, cooking food destroys all the nutrients and you’d be better off eating cardboard than cooked foods. Cardboard. Seriously.
Eating raw foods destroys your digestive fire. You should eat raw foods ONLY on rare occasions, and ONLY during the Summer months, and ONLY if you are ok with risking your life.
Dairy is a disgusting product and is completely unnatural for humans to consume- eating it is basically the same as suckling off a cows teat directly and will cause you to grow as obese as the baby cow that it’s meant for. It will also cause congestion in your body and you will be a hideous, stuffy-nosed fat mess should you choose to poison your body with it.
Dairy is completely healthy when eaten as a regular part of one’s diet- in small amounts, but ONLY FROM SHEEP OR GOATS. And of course if it’s not organic it will kill you.
You should 100% of the time follow the 80/20 rule where you eat only healthy foods 80% of the time and indulge in foods that will kill you and destroy your health 20% of the time. If you ignore the 80/20 rule you will be obese, or unhealthy. Both of which will result in a slow, painful and lonely death.
The ONLY way to eat is seasonally, locally and sustainably. If you live in a place where snow falls and kills crops and animals starve you should eat snow and only snow. To do anything else will cause immediate and untimely death.
You should absolutely cut the following foods from your diet and never eat them again at the risk of destroying your health, your future and any chance of happiness you ever had: sugar, grains, processed foods, nuts, seeds, oils, alcohol, fish, nightshades, fruits, gluten, meat, dairy, eggs, vegetables that did not come from the best organic farmer at your local farmer’s market, and CORN. OMG Did I mention that corn is the highest evil – that it’s not even actually CORN anymore because it’s been genetically modified and cross pollinated and that we should probably just go ahead and cancel Thanksgiving because we are just such a gigantic embarrassment to our forefathers! Not to mention that it will kill you the way it’s already killed THE BEES!
Lastly AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: one should not stress about one’s diet too much, it’s counter productive and the stress of stressing about food is actually worse than the deadly food itself. And one should always eat slowly chewing at least 35 times to get digestive juices flowing and think happy thoughts while doing so, enjoying every last poisonous bite of whatever one is dining on. Enjoy! xx- Sarah (From the HOUSE ON THE HILLS blog)
P.S. NOTE TO SELF: make sure making this statement publicly enhance your willpower…
P.P.S. Why a sexy chic? 1) Why not. 2) Enhancer of willpower 3) Keeps me on my toes 4) might buy this Agent Provocateur piece of lingerie. The Man would appreciate, I’m sure… Made sure it was big enough not to need glasses…
